The 2017 Mindset

It's at this time of the year that everyone seems to get super reflective about the passing twelve months and all that they hope for in the coming year. I for one, am totally up for jumping on that bandwagon. No doubt about it, 2017 is going to be a big year. I'm putting my education on hold for a year - the first in SIXTEEN years!!! - to start learning firsthand what it's like to work in the fashion industry. I'll be taking a huge leap into the unknown and the thought of it makes me such a mixed bag of excitement and nerves! I reckon it's going to be the best year of my life so far. It's often said that we're living in a generation of narcissists - and yeah, I can see that. However, I've decided that it's about time I turn my low-key narcissism up a notch and start to really unashamedly shout from the rooftops just how much I absolutely-positively-totally adore myself - because no one else is going to do that for me. I want this to be the most selfish year of my life, for all of the right reasons.

Step number one in my mission of ultimate selfishness: Creating a stress-free environment in which to live my best life. Whether it's been positive or negative, the past year has been particularly emotional and I've been much more aware of my emotional state, particularly in the last half of the year. The most recurring and common emotion I've felt all year has absolutely been one of awe and inspiration, and I've experienced a brand new, overwhelming sense of freedom which I've never felt before. My summer abroad was the perfect selfish indulgence and I am constantly empowered by the thought that I alone made that dream become a reality. I want to keep the spirit of summer alive by enforcing this mindset for the duration of 2017. Adventure is always possible, simplicity is vital to happiness, the only control I have over life's events is how I chose to respond to them. Having had a bit of a tricky year in terms of maintaining relationships, this year I'll be much more wary about giving too much of myself away to other people while getting very little back in return. I'm happy to be selective about the number of people I let into my life because I know the emotional damage that betrayal can cause and I know the importance of having a strong and concentrated support system to keep me sane. In 2017, if drama finds a way of snaking into my life, it won't be self-inflicted and I will respond with absolute dignity and perspective... woo! 

It definitely took the course of 2016's events to produce a solid mindset which will hopefully carry me through 2017. It often felt this past year as though I'd been cursed - I seemed to struggle with an influx of difficult situations all at once and I seriously started to wonder what I'd done wrong to have so much go wrong for me on such a personal level. Fear not - my 2017 mindset is a lot less 'woe is me' and I'm back on fighting-form. I'm continuing with the determination that's guided me through the last year and I'm approaching everything like the empoweredbadassgoddess woman that I am!!! I can say from experience, however, that trying to maintain an unwavering determination and positive outlook is incredibly tiring, so a big priority of mine this year will be about taking more moments to consciously relax and unwind. I'm a big believer in the power of 'treating yourself' but one aim for the next year is to find much more cost effective ways in which to do so! My skin seems to have gone crazy in the last few weeks and I've started having clusters of break-outs on my face that I've never really suffered with before, so I've already instigated a (long-overdue) skin routine which I've done a really good job of sticking to for the last couple of weeks of 2016. I'll be seeing that through for the duration of the year and hopefully I'll figure out what works best for me - recommendations would be much appreciated.

So there's nothing really too momentous about my plans for tackling 2017. I don't have any huge resolutions that I feel massively pressured to achieve. I do have a lot of personal goals I intend to reach but I always prefer to stay quiet about them and meet my own expectations first, over other people's! It's all quite simple really: I'm going to be happy - happier than I've ever been - and it's the mindset I'll maintain that I'll owe my happiness to. 2017 has the potential to be the most unpredictable year ever, so all I really know for sure is that I'll be spending it entirely out of my comfort zone and as my most unapologetic self. 

Capturing 2016

2016 has been a bloody whirlwind... wait no, not a whirlwind - a monstrous hurricane, with an off-the-scale earthquake and a lil tsunami thrown in on the side. This year it seems like the whole world has had to take a necessary step back to reflect on the huge events that have taken place. It's hard to overlook the political turmoil and humanitarian crises which have dominated the year, but I'm a newly converted believer in silver linings and the importance of finding inner peace - so I'm here to reflect on the highlights of the year and give myself praise where praise is due for making it such a memorable one. Please, don't roll your eyes at me as I fall victim to that cliché saying: 

"it's been a year of highs and lows..." 

...and blah, blah, blah - because it really has been and I think I need a hug. I've packed a lot of special moments into the past 347 days (and counting) and I thought it would be a nice idea to compile them into a blog post to celebrate the end of what has been the most challenging, exciting, terrifying, sad and happy year of my life. 

JANUARY - NEW YORK

The year got off to a good start as I jetted across the world to New York for four days at the beginning of January. The whole trip was put together quite last-minute by my university and with a few spare places available, I made the spontaneous decision to go and explore a city I've long dreamed of visiting. I ate an authentic New York salmon and cream cheese bagel, mastered the art of the pedestrian crossing/traffic light system, got caught in a blizzard at the top of the Empire State building and basically just fell more and more in love with every passing minute. I've never felt more instantly 'at home' in a new place than I did in New York and I really hope next year brings me back for another adventure. I've felt the city's magnetic force and now I can feel it pulling me back everyday.

JULY - INTERRAIL TRIP AROUND EUROPE

It wasn't easy to choose just one particular moment from my month abroad in July because every moment makes my heart so happy, but I think I've made a good choice with this snap during my time in Budapest of what felt like the most special place in the entire city. I visited the Fisherman's Bastion everyday, watching the world go by and feeling SO happy to be doing something I'd dreamed about doing for most of my teenage years. In the beginning, starting off in Berlin, everything felt like a bit of a mission. I was enjoying myself - obviously - but I was also super cautious, worrying about x, y and z and all of the potential hazards of being young, female and alone. It was at this point in my trip that I started to get really confident with my travels. I was staying out later in the evenings to explore in the dark and spending time much more comfortably with the people I met in my hostels along the way.

AUGUST - LEEDS FESTIVALIt was during this brief period of the year where I consumed copious amounts of alcohol and cried a lot, although I'm glad it looks like I'm having fun in this photo. Truth be told, I actually was having fun! It was my first evening at Leeds Festival towards the end of August. I was sporting blue eyeliner and greasy fishtail plaits, covered in glitter, freezing cold and wet, and running mostly on adrenaline. I volunteered with Oxfam at the festival this year and wrote a post about my experience which you can view here! It was a really good experience to be part of a friendly little community and to actually be fundraising money for really important causes through the work I did. It also got me a free ticket into the festival, access to semi-decent toilets, a few free meals and a nice, clean campsite. It was an especially challenging time, but I'm so glad I spent that week disconnected from the rest of the world and powering through.

OCTOBER - BACK AT UNIVERSITY

This photo was taken during Leeds Light Night in October which was a cool way to see a different side of a city that I've been getting to know much better this year, as I now commute to and from to work part-time there. I felt so relieved at this point in the year to be getting stuck back into university and enjoying having a solid routine and something worthwhile to concentrate on again. With hindsight, having just completed the first term of my second year, I think perhaps I was a bit naive! I'm feeling quite wiped out from the all of the stress, long days and late nights but I'm hopeful that it'll all have been worth it when I get the marks on my latest assignments back in January.

NOVEMBER - TURNING TWENTY

I'd spent a huge amount of time thinking about my birthday this year. The big two-oh was a daunting prospect and I'm still not totally comfortable with saying it when someone asks my age! Here I am cutting my (very adult-appropriate) rainbow sprinkle cake which I was really excited about. I really enjoyed my birthday and it felt good to spend it with friends, even if the night didn't exactly go to plan - hasn't that been the story of my life this year, anyway? It's strange that the idea of being an adult was so different in my mind as a child/teenager than it is in reality. I think about life back in 2008 and it feels like it was only a few years ago, as though time has barely even passed during all of those years. I expect it'll feel the same when I think about 2016 in a decade's time. 

 It's a sad truth that a lot of 2016's moments have been stored in some distant, detached part of my brain which I can't really bare to revisit yet, but I have huge amounts of hope and determination that this time next year, I'll be sat here typing away with total positivity about the way that 2017 unfolded. I hope that things will be going spectacularly on the career-front and that I'll have bagged the internship of my dreams. I hope that I'll feel at peace with my own personal conflicts and that the world will be a less hostile place. In particular, I hope I'll be able to say that my health, wellbeing and happiness remained the priority in every decision I made. 
No distractions and no precious moments wasted.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm currently writing this from the dark depths of the library on a Saturday evening, with nothing but a 3000 word report and a portfolio of CV/intern development standing in the way of me, my happiness and all of the Christmas festivities that await me. To take a break from the sheer agony of yet another SWOT analysis or inDesign layout, I thought I'd take myself back to (slightly) more chilled out days and reminisce on my latest trip to Manchester. I had a bit of an impromptu outing last month with the uni gals to visit the Fashion on the Ration exhibition at the Imperial War Museum. I made the most of the rare opportunity to visit one of my fave cities by bringing out my brand new and beautiful Zara coat which I got for my birthday and (keep it on the down-low) may have opened a bit early. I literally can't stop looking at it. I didn't realise it was possible to adore an item of clothing so much until now. I think it's love. The mix of colours in it are so beautiful and like nothing I've ever owned before. I feel like it'll translate well into my wardrobe during all seasons - the plum tones are v autumnal but I'll appreciate the pops of pink and red when spring eventually rolls around. I teamed my dreamy coat with a basic black turtle neck jumper from Primark, my beloved M&S Archive by Alexa skirt, a pair of fishnets and some western-style River Island boots. Also, when fur collars are no longer a thing (although I hope they stay forever) I can detach it - but why would I ever wanna?! I always find it so amazing what a good piece of expensive and much-loved clothing can do for your mood. It was a bitter, drizzly day out on the grimy streets of Manchester but I felt blummin' marvellous. 

On the topic of moods and feeling marvellous, I thought I'd take this opportunity - given my current, unfortunate location in the library right now - to talk about how utterly UNmarvellous I am currently feeling. From an outsider's perspective, my day has been pretty hard going. I haven't really had a 'proper' lie-in in weeks and sadly, despite it being the weekend, today has been no exception. I battled a million and one Christmas shoppers onto a lunchtime train to get to work where we were packed in shoulder-to-shoulder. From work, I came straight here - I picked up a McDonald's for tea (my second in a week) and now I inevitably feel like shit. I'm catching up on all the vlogmas videos that I've been falling behind with although my battery is seriously starting to dwindle and literally all I want is to be wearing my pyjamas and drinking wine from the bottle. Despite it all, I'm trying to be optimistic. I didn't meet my personal targets for the evening (I had planned to finish a project) but then again, my expectations of myself are always too high. And although everything always takes so much longer than I expect it to, I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I need is some cheery Christmas songs to help me through my long walk home and the promise of hot chocolate and much Nutella once I make it back. Time to wrap up in my bloody beautiful coat and face the cold wind and rain. I'll be back here in twelve hours time. Christmas holidays - Please. Come. Quick.

Turning Twenty

Today, the 20th November, is my twentieth birthday. I've thought about turning twenty every day for at least the past six months as the realisation of what that means has started to sink in. It's been the first birthday of my lifetime that I've actually felt somewhat apprehensive about having. Being a teenager has been a really fundamental part of my identity for such a long time (seven years to be exact) so being stripped of that is quite a terrifying prospect. Last week, someone asked me how old I'd be turning and it felt so alien not to say "-teen". Can we please make twenteen a thing? Despite my reservations, I honestly can't wait to enter the career-climbing, property-owning, life-rocking girl gang of twenty-somethings that used to feel like a distant dream away. I'm so busy these days with work/uni/family/social/placement commitments but I'm happy to report that I feel like I'm thriving! My brain never switches off, I probably have high blood pressure and I might start getting grey hairs next - but I'm happy, promise! Yes, it's daunting and yes, I'm shit-scared. But I also feel very, very ready for everything that the next ten years of my life have to offer. 

So roll on the new decade. Here are twenty lessons I've learned in my twenty years of existence which have shaped me into the woman (yikes) that I am today. Because in case you didn't know, I'm v wise now that I'm maybeprobablytechnically an adult... albeit an adult with bunny ear pyjamas.

1. Cooking is really fun and I like it a lot. I also really like eating my five a day and drinking lots of water. Huh, who knew?
2. I've learned with a lot of bravery to put all of my faith into the prospect that things will work out the way they were always intended to. I cannot describe how freeing it is to truly believe that everything that has happened was always going to happen and everything that will happen is just an inevitable and inexplicable part of the universe. There's no room to worry about the future anymore, now that I feel so confident in it.
3. I'm not religious, even though I spent the first sixteen years of my life with fairly unwavering beliefs.
4. But I've also learnt that I am a deeply spiritual person and I do believe in an afterlife, and perhaps a god, even if it's not the most conventional of versions.
5. Ironing is just a myth and it serves no real purpose in life.
6. I'm really not academically capable when it comes to sticking to rigid exams and objective facts.
7. I am a perfectionist through and through and I probably learned this swiftly upon leaving the womb.
8. I LOVE travelling and exploring the world. I first discovered this when I started to read travel blogs aged thirteen onwards and made lists upon lists of all the places I wanted to visit. I've really cemented this lesson in 2016 but the lists of places to go and things to see still grows everyday!
9. Two years ago, I was totally unsure about my path in life and at one point (rather scarily with hindsight) was pretty adamant that I wouldn't be going to university. Then I discovered that there was a course and career perfectly suited for me. Now I'm on track to wake up every morning absolutely in love with a job that feels more like a hobby and I bladdy love it !!!
10. I feel best about myself when I'm living in those moments that remind me how big the universe is and how lucky I am to be living my small and insignificant little life. Those moments include: watching fireworks over a canal from the roof of a hotel in Venice, watching a thunderstorm from an aeroplane, being alone in a craaazy crowd at Leeds Festival in torrential, pouring rain and just feeling so SO alive. 
11. It's not that hard to get out of the house to explore and to do something you've never done before. 
12. This year, someone (who I thankfully no longer have contact with) told me that I "had so much potential" - and it wasn't a compliment. A lesson I've learned and definitely had to enforce over the years is how to cut toxic people off. It's a lesson I could have learned sooner or enforced more effectively at times, but I'd say I'm pretty darn good at knowing when to call it quits. The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to somebody is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.
13. Meeting new people is the easiest thing in the world. The only way to avoid feeling isolated while I travelled alone was to reach out to people and be the first to break the ice - I was never good at pushing myself to do this before I left and now I feel so much more at ease with it.
14. I'm pretty confident I'll never trust another person in a large capacity ever again. Deep down I know I just haven't finished learning this lesson yet, but for the time being, I'm entering my twenties full of cynicism about the motives of other humans :)
15. I think all of my best thoughts just before I fall asleep.
16. Objects/photos that once felt really sentimental and like the most important, cherished things in the world do eventually become disposable - and the same goes for memories of moments that once felt so perfect. Everything changes with a bit of perspective.
17. I have the BEST intuition. In fact, there were times in my life as a child when I actually questioned my psychic capabilities (lol). I think I'm just very tuned into reality and as a result I almost always find out the truth eventually - if I didn't already know it all along.
18. Pride is my biggest motivator. I value other people's opinions but it's the pride that I have in myself which matters most to me.
19. I'm also really motivated by money (although not excessively so) and inside I am the most frugal person ever - despite what my bank statements have been telling me lately.
20. My go-to advice for literally anyone in any situation is that "it's not the end of the world". It's hard to judge how effective my advice-giving skills actually are, but I know I'm good at practising what I preach by following my own advice. When it feels like the world is over, it N E V E R is.

It's been really fun for me to reflect back over these life lessons. I'm such a deep thinker by nature but I've found myself being particularly philosophical in these past few hectic months! There are so many more lessons I could have mentioned here; I probably have enough content to become a life coach or a motivational speaker or something. Maybe an agony aunt columnist responsible for mending broken hearts worldwide. I wish I could go back a decade and tell my ten-year-old self all about what's in store... skip ahead another ten years to the day I turn thirty (oh god NO) and I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing! I'm off to a good start; I've spent the day eating Eggs Benedict and pizza, drinking cocktails and having my nails done. What I hope more than anything is that on my thirtieth birthday, I'll actually be able to say that yeah - being a teenager was all well and good, but I absolutely smashed my twenties. 

Collaboration Fixation

We're halfway into November and my bank balance has suffered hugely already this month as I've been totally and utterly drawn into the intoxicating world of high street collaborations. But it's my birthday month so I deserve it, right? While I'm trying to get back into the habit of student budgeting and sitting at a desk writing for hours on end, I've also found the time to give my thoughts on the new Archive by Alexa collection and H&M X Kenzo collaboration. It's nice to be integrating a bit of fashion into my blog for the first time, since I am a fashion student and (sadly) not a full time travel blogger.

I loved every piece in M&S's first Archive by Alexa but I didn't feel any of it was very 'me' or wearable to my own personal style. I was very excited, however, in the run up to the release of the second collection as the snippets of things I had seen were definitely right up my street. Unfortunately, the 1st November rolled around and I had overslept (possibly due to my Halloween antics the previous night) so I really missed the mark on bagging my favourite item - the Kirkgate mini - and it had already sold out in my size. I WAS GUTTED. I took a disappointing trip into store where everything was sold out and did a lot of frantic, obsessive online checking until I finally got my hands on it! I LOVE IT. I did feel a little let down by the quality of the more affordable items when I had a look in store. I was kinda intrigued by the 'Aire', a metallic grey shirt with a peter-pan collar and pussybow neck tie but the feel of the fabric completely put me off as it was so thin and crinkly.

The second collab to rob me of my money this month has been the long-awaited H&M X Kenzo collection. I even got up early (!) for this one, to sit at uni ready and waiting when the site went live. It took me almost an hour to actually get into the website which I finally did via the app. I've seen a lot of comments in the fashion world lately about whether the concept of the collaboration has lost its edge now that it's been repeated by so many high street brands but I have to say, I don't agree. The H&M site (predictably) crashed and multiple pieces sold out almost instantly - so the hype clearly isn't dwindling yet. I chose a pure silk blouse with ruffled capped sleeves which I'd planned on buying and then made a rather last minute decision to get the black frill-collar sweatshirt too. I'm actually still kinda undecided about the sweatshirt and my 28 days to return it are running out. I've been feeling v guilty for making such an unnecessary (ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY) purchase and my conscience is trying to talk myself out of it. I read a hilar post predicting the success of some of the pieces over on Manrepeller.com and they named it as the most easily justifiable item to buy from the collection. So maybe I should listen to those guys and keep it... but the collar just doesn't sit quite like I imagined and I'm worrying that my only reason for keeping it would be the thrill of having a designer logo across my chest. 

So basically, what we can take from this blog post is that I'm a very naive and easily swayed human being with a shopping addiction, a good wardrobe and no money, hoorah! The era of the collaboration is far from over, in my honest opinion - I'm already looking forward to the next one.

A Guide to Getting Dumped and Owning It

I've been sitting on this blog post for quite a while now and this is the third draft that I've written. It's probably the most personal thing I've ever shared online so I've been feeling nervous about publishing it. Nevertheless it's something I feel is really important for me to talk about and update here. There's so much I want to say so I just hope I spill it all out coherently. Here goes...

I got dumped. I don't think I've actually even uttered those words out loud - at least not since the day of the event when I sobbed through the words down the phone to my mum. It's been the hardest thing I've ever been through - people have died and I've felt less sad about it. Heartbreak, I now know, should be treated like a grieving process because it literally does feel like someone has died. Not only has someone died but so has an entire future that you envisioned (intentionally or not) and all memories associated with that person. That's a lot for one tiny person to get their head around when they've been stripped back to their most vulnerable, fragile state. Even now, two months on, I struggle with such big thoughts like that. The past two months have been a period of huge, drastic and ultimately (I hope) positive transformation. My mindset is transformed - not completely, but I'm working on it - to see the good in such challenging situations as these. I've decided to record my transformation here as a step-by-step guide - but you should know that any healing process is unfortunately never as definitive as that. I've strayed from these steps and I've taken big leaps forward only to have huge setbacks. Healing is not linear and that's okay. My confidence has been sky-high and almost non-existent. There are moments when it seems like I'll never feel whole again and there are others when I wonder why I ever wasted my tears on something so insignificant. All I know is that I'm on the path to something big and exciting and extraordinary that would never have happened otherwise - and I'm putting my faith in that day-by-day because I really have nothing to lose.

A GUIDE TO GETTING DUMPED

Step 1) I cried and cried and cried.
I cried in my bed. I cried in the shower. I cried in the street. I cried in my car. If I'd saved up all of my tears I probably would have drowned myself in them. I didn't know that a person could physically cry so much and I didn't recognise myself when I looked in the mirror which scared me a lot. If I'd ever seen myself in the mirror before those dark days and thought I looked ugly then I have no idea why - I've seen myself at my worst now. I looked like an alien/ghost/corpse mutant and I don't ever want to see myself in that state again. 

Step 2) I made it through 24 hours. Then I repeated the step.
Like I touched upon above, I felt small and weak and the prospect of my entire life spread out before me - now suddenly shifted to an entirely different path - was enough to make me start bawling my eyes out all over again. In the very beginning, every minute, every second, was torturous. I couldn't think any further ahead without the grief totally consuming me and swallowing me up so I banished all thoughts of the future from my mind as much as I humanly could. Feeling the grief was an important process and I made a conscious effort to acknowledge my emotions entirely but handling it all in small, rigid doses was all I could do not to lose myself in them. I made a conscious effort to live only in the present.

Step 3) I went to Pinterest therapy.
I took to the holy grail of inspirational quotes and life-hacks to build my very own board of self-love, appreciation, encouragement and all-round badass girlbossness. In the beginning, I had to recite each saying religiously to myself dozens of times just to make it through the day. Initially, I felt pretty ashamed about the whole thing as though it was my fault but training my mind to see the reality of the situation always uplifted me. Perhaps the blame does lie with someone but that person isn't me - the fact that I know this now is all that matters. You can see my life-saving Pinterest creation here, which I recently revisited and edited down to the quotes that still really resonate with me. Just sharing that with the world is a big deal because I committed my heart and soul to it at the time and still add to it even now.

A GUIDE TO OWNING IT

Step 1) I stayed busy.
My mind raced at a million miles an hour during the first couple of weeks and if it wasn't focussed on a particular task it would wander to a dark and lonely place. So I kept myself occupied and pushed bad thoughts to one side by stimulating my mind to think of other things. On Day One, my head was a mess and my whole body just felt numb but I dragged myself out of the house to go on a really long walk. On Day Two, I drove on the motorway for the first time. Probably wouldn't recommend that to others in my position - it had been a huge fear for years - but since I was feeling equal parts independent woman and totally reckless crazy lady, I tackled it head on. I beamed from ear to ear the entire time and it inspired me that I was capable of so much even in my darkest moments. On Day Three, I went shopping. The whole day was an emotional struggle and even the lure of my mum's money didn't coax me out of my slump but still, a bit of retail therapy is better than none at all. On Day Seven, I went to a music festival. It really isn't an easy thing to listen to music when your heart is shattered and every single lyric speaks to you in some way but unfortunately, the bad timing of a premature decision meant that I had to immerse myself in it for five whole days. I got through it though - even if there were moments when I didn't think I could and I'm proud of myself for taking that terrifying plunge. 

Step 2) I took back control.
I am and always have been a really independent person but feeling the way I did, I became totally dependent on other people for support. That fact in itself was pretty debilitating for me - especially considering the fact I'd just spent an entire month alone (and happily so) travelling across a whole continent. The pain I felt made me permanently nauseous and I didn't eat for over seventy-two hours which was stupid and dangerous and made me feel weak and half-dead. Food in general just didn't seem edible anymore - which is NOT like me. Trust me, I can eat. After I got home from my five days away, I took back control by throwing myself whole-heartedly into preparations to move back to uni and I finally started to regain my appetite. My next big step was getting stuck into job applications. I'd struggled to find part-time vacancies during my first year and if I did find one, I usually didn't have the required experience. The prospect of rejection didn't even affect me this time around (I wonder why?) so getting that call to say I'd gotten a role in retail was the best and most unexpected news I'd had in months. If my summer hadn't come to an end the way it did, I probably wouldn't have started my job-search so early on. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Step 3) I gained some perspective.
The day I got dumped, a girl I used to know went to her mum's funeral. We both went through the motions of our own grieving processes that day but obviously, her loss is much more severe and much more significant. The fact that "there is always someone worse off than you" is more sobering than comforting but it definitely helped me to keep a grip on reality while I was so inclined to be questioning everything. The best thing I've taken from this bad experience is the way I've been able to reprogram my mind for success. The MOST irritating, useless, want-to-punch-you-in-the-face advice you can ever give a sad person is that 'time is the best healer' but with hindsight, it's also the advice that rings most true. It's all beginning to make sense to me now and one day I know I'll look back on this and laugh for ever thinking it was me who wasn't enough, wasn't capable, wasn't worthy. From now on, if I wouldn't say it to a friend, I won't say it to myself. It's a lesson which I know will be invaluable one day and bizarrely, I kind of feel lucky to have learnt it despite the cruelty of the circumstances that brought me to it?!

So I'm in a good place now and writing this blog post could be the final piece of the puzzle that I've been missing. I'm immersed in coursework and deadlines and intern applications and the future excites me a lot. I feel good about myself and my progress and it's just SO good to feel like an actual functioning human being again rather than the sad, sorry little creature that I was. Little Mix's new song 'Shout Out to My Ex' was released last week so it goes without saying that I've been playing that on repeat non-stop. In fact, I cried a bit when I first heard it because it felt like it was written for me so it feels all the more apt that I'll finally be clicking publish on this post while the song sits at number one. I still wake up from dreams that I wish I hadn't had and sometimes the hurt does creep back in for a while - but bad feelings always pass and I didn't come this far to only come this far. I'm really happy with the way these photos turned out. They're taken from Rupi Kaur's 'Milk and Honey' which is a book I would 100% recommend. This was the first time I've ever bought flowers for myself which I feel is a nice little metaphor for the way I live my life nowadays. I love my life and the people in it (who still deserve to be) and I'm giving it my all. I am my number one priority - that's the way it always should have been. It's the way it indefinitely will be now. I'm owning it. PEACE OUT x

University Room Tour

 

This month I moved back to Huddersfield to start the second year of my Fashion Communication and Promotion degree! I spent last year in halls, living in a flat of four about a five minute walk from uni and while I did enjoy the experience, I'm much happier to be back in a house with a cosy, homely feeling and lots of space. I was determined this year to create my own happy little bubble where I can stay focused and motivated during the day and relax in the evenings. I am honestly SO pleased with the outcome. I've been turning to Pinterest religiously lately for inspiration or a way of dragging myself out of a low mood so I wanted to reflect this by having lots of uplifting quotes to inspire me and coach me through the next year. I wanted lots of colour and detail rather than having a distinct theme, so from the dozens of fairy lights to the many maps and travelling pics, the whole room gives a very 'me' vibe. When I was little I used to hope and pray that my parents would convert the loft in our family home into my very own room and now I'm literally living out my attic room dreams! I have an amazing view (although there is a tree kinda blocking it which I wish I could cut down) and the sun spans over the window all day so it's always bright and airy. The extra flight of stairs made moving in with my mountains of stuff pretty challenging but even that has its advantages as in addition to the twenty minute walk to uni, I've been declaring everyday as 'leg day'. I'm expecting to have the legs of an athlete by the time I move out next year. The whole house has white walls and exposed brick with accents of lime green (I daren't post pictures of the rest of the house as with six people living here, it is NEVER clean) and feels really modern and quirky. We can't figure out the heating so I'm permanently cold and the neighbours already hate us but I am SO happy here.

Aaaah isn't it just soooo cute *insert heart-eyed cat emoji here*. I've opted for two sets of bedding from Primark this year - a cute pastel geometric/grid print one which I have yet to try out and a plain white one which I love because it makes the rest of my soft furnishings the focus - even if it does crease like craaaazy. My throw is also from Primark, along with the geometric green/grey/marble print cushion on the far-left and pink one on the far-right. The other two are both from Matalan. I have some (once again) Primark festoon-style fairy lights hung up along my pinboard which my dad helpfully nailed into the wall (shh) and atm I have some scanned illustrations from Sophia Amoruso's Nasty Gal book pinned up to add to that whole #girlboss attitude that I've been trying to channel lately. On my bedside table I have the most adorable box which I picked up from TKMaxx earlier this year, a New Look copper mason jar and an oil pourer/vase, originally from TKMaxx, which I spray painted copper - not obsessed I PROMISE - and added some IKEA tulips to.

I neeeed to talk about this wall because it is EVERYTHING. I just love seeing other ppl's feature walls full of framed illustrations, photos, posters etc. so I've tried to recreate my own here and even though it's still in its early days and there's a lot I could do to improve/add to it, I'm in love. So far I have a hand-painted acrylic canvas (left) of an area in Krakow which I bought there last year, two 'just be you' and 'dream big' prints from a cafe/design store called Fig and Sparrow in Manchester, some travel polaroids, two quotes which I printed and framed, a large Paperchase vintage-style world map, an illustrated postcard from Venice and a cute little decorative hanging framed quote from Primark. This wall is the main thing that I feel really ties everything together and I just can't get enough of how much colour it adds to the room. I mounted the larger pieces (i.e. the canvas and frames) to the wall using adhesive command strips which you can probably find in any craft/diy shop but I bought in B&Q. Since I'm living in rented accommodation, I'm not allowed to add any permanent fixtures to the walls and these are a really good alternative to blue-tack because they're much easier and sleeker to use.

The storage space in my room is seriously lacking compared to my room in halls last year so I brought up a bookcase from my parents' house that wasn't really being used anymore and I'm glad it fits nicely into the little space at the end of my bed. On here I have a vase originally from Habitat, which I also spray painted copper, a snazzy AF pencil holder that my mum found in TKMaxx (filled with all the colours of the rainbow in sharpie form), a few books which I had to read at school/college and more often than not hated - but now love - and a B&Q potted plant which I mentioned in my last blog post. My desk area still needs a lot of work because it's looking super bland right now! Along with my beloved new Macbook I've also invested in a printer of my own this year which makes the long, dreaded walk to the library printers a thing of the past. My lamp was from Wilko and cost about £3 max and I've tied a Zara neck scarf around the base. I also brought my own desk chair from home because the one provided by the landlord was discoloured and pretty disgusting! Wouldn't find that in halls. I'm anticipating that in the up-and-coming months the back wall against my desk will be decorated with various deadlines/sheets/post-it notes/newspaper clippings etc. which might bring this area alive a bit more! I spent my freshers' week mostly drunk and making questionable decisions or hungover and nursing my poorly-self and now I just simply can't express enough how pleased I am to finally be settled back into my uni town and getting stuck back into my course. Thanks for reading!

Little Things I'm Loving

Life took a huuugely unexpected turn this past month so to try and combat the mess of emotions that has been my head and my heart, I seem to have accidentally piled up a big collection of shiny brand new things (woo). Retail therapy is a very good method of pain relief and I would highly recommend it in large doses :) I've provided links to all of the items if you wanna take a closer look. My first new love of late has been my incred new MacBook Air!! I honestly never dreamed that I'd be able to afford a laptop like this and while I technically can't just yet (student overdrafts are truly a blessing) I still feel infinitely lucky to be its owner and it's giving me all the uni inspo and motivation for my year ahead. I really enjoyed writing this blog post so thank you for reading!

Plastic decorative plants in cement style pots | B&Q, £7 each

These are probably the best and most realistic looking potted plants I have ever seen and I love that I don't have to fight to keep them alive! I attempted to care for some cacti at uni last year but it was a lot harder than I thought it would be so put it this way: they won't be returning with me for my second year. There are two different plants to choose from and I bought the succulent one first which I've already taken up to my new house at uni so I couldn't show you a picture of them side by side unfortunately! The plants are obviously plastic but there's also so much detail in the little grassy/mossy beds and the pots are super solid and heavy like concrete. I mean, I really never thought I'd be raving about potted plants to this extent so I guess they must be good. I'm living in the most aesthetically pleasing house this year with exposed brick walls, big bright white walls and lots of lime green detail and these will go perfectly in my cosy attic room! You can find them online here and here.

'Stay All Day' liquid lipstick in Beso | Stila, £16

Before I discovered liquid lipsticks this year, I used to think that I would just never be a lipstick person. I hate having to worry about it smudging across my face, I hate having to reapply after eating/drinking and I HATE how heavy it can feel on my lips. The Stila Cosmetics liquid lipsticks were a game changer for me because they literally banish all of these problems. They're seriously underestimated for their staying-power, amazing range of colours and gorgeous application and should be much more widely talked about than they currently are! I've yet to come across a formula I prefer over Stila. The liquid lipstick has actually just been awarded 'Best Beauty' product of 2016 by Stylist magazine. My first purchase was a shade called Patina, a pretty dusky rose colour which I've also pictured alongside Beso. It's like an improved version of my natural lips which are already quite pink and it's not a shade that I see repeated often elsewhere, although it's a great dupe for Kylie Jenner's Candy K. Beso, on the other hand, gives me the best red lip I've ever had and I've been loving wearing it. Now I need to plan which colour to purchase next! The full range of colours is stocked on Stila's own website with selected colours available at Boots.com plus some larger stores, Mark's & Spencer and Cult Beauty.

ASOS Simone heels, £35 | Pull&Bear slogan tee, £9.99 | ASOS rose gold plated hoop earrings, £8

I had a trip to Manchester a few weeks ago with the hopes of buying a pair of shoes in this block heel, court style but I was unsuccessful because there frustratingly seemed to be something wrong with every different pair I tried on and I reaaaally didn't want to bring home anything less than the perfect shoe I had envisioned. I was hesitant about ordering online since so many I had tried on in my usual size during my shopping trip were both too small and too big but I put my faith in ASOS and they (thankfully) didn't disappoint. These shoes come in half sizes and an array of pretty colours! I particularly love ASOS's take on the block heel court because of the *just right* heel height, elasticated back to avoid them slipping off and the pretty almond shaped toe - a nice middle ground between pointed and rounded. I also snuck an ever-needed slogan tee into my basket from my faves at Pull&Bear which I love. It actually looks light grey on the ASOS site but when it arrived it was a very subtle khaki green colour. I still love it all the same, if not prefer it actually! Finally, I treated myself to some pretty rose gold hooped earrings. I haven't really been that interested in wearing jewellery for a loooong time but I feel like people who remember to put on earrings every morning are the kind of people who really have their life on track so I'm trying to channel that by committing to a brand new pair of my own. I hadn't worn earrings for at least a year so I was a bit worried that the piercings had healed over but thankfully all is well and I can wear these and feel like a successful gal boss jewellery-wearing kind of girl. 

Cheap Eats | Venice on a Budget

I've been on my deathbed all weekend suffering from a case of post-festival flu so it seemed like a good idea to reminisce on happier times when I was devouring allllll the yummy food without feeling like I'd swallowed razor blades. My intention was to blog about my time in Venice in a similar style to the rest of my #traveldiary series but that plan failed as I kept myself way too busy to ever stop and write. So instead, I want to focus on the cafés and restaurants that I loved in Venice - in particular, the ones that were kind to my very tight budget! It wasn't always easy to find somewhere to eat that wasn't ridiculously expensive as most things are quite overpriced in Venice but a little bit of prior research and some help from Tripadvisor made my mission a little easier. In no particular order...

Dal Moro's Fresh Pasta To Go

Tucked down a very narrow little backstreet in the heart of the island, this was my first meal in Venice. I had been dreaming about a tomato-based seafood pasta ever since I set foot in Italy and I was so glad to discover this little, hidden gem of a place (with thanks to Tripadvisor) to make my dreams come true. I'd recommend using the map function on the Tripadvisor app to find the place as it's definitely very hidden away! You'll know you're getting close when you start to see a lot of people carrying white takeout boxes and there may be a long line of people waiting outside but this is always a good sign in my opinion. The actual 'restaurant' is actually a very basic box room where you place your order, pay and take your food away. There was a little area to stand and eat inside but why stay indoors when you're in such a beautiful city? I walked a couple of minutes around the corner and found a small canal-way with a bridge and stairs so I sat there, along with a lot of other customers, to eat my delish and piping hot Spaghetti ai Frutti di Mare which had tons of squid, prawns and octopus in it. This dish would generally be one of the more expensive options in a sit-down restaurant so I think I made a good choice in coming here to get my seafood fix for just seven euros.

Cocaeta

I will forever remember Cocaeta as the place I fell in love with crêpes and all their wonderful, endless possibilities. I walked for miles to reach this restaurant as it's location in Cannaregio was pretty much on the opposite side of the island to my hotel in Dorsoduro. Again, this place only really facilitated a few people to stand and eat in and your crepe is served on a basic plastic plate so it's another very unpretentious recommendation. I had read fantastic reviews which totally swayed me into venturing out in search of the perfect crêpe. For about five euros I chose one with smoked salmon, cream cheese, rocket leaves and balsamic vinegar and it was just the best. thing. ever. It was so good in fact that I actually made the round-trip on foot later in the evening for another - this time nutella, banana and whipped cream. The shop is on a beautiful stretch of canal right at the very edge of the island and I watched the sunset over the sea just a two minute walk away - a very romantic Venice moment with me and my crêpe. The shop itself, on both occasions that I visited, was only staffed by one guy who ran it all by himself so waiting times were a little slow but the food was freshly made in front of me so I really had no complaints. I was pleasantly surprised by the range of drinks stocked here too - there were plenty of alcoholic choices and an array of juices and non-alcoholic drinks as well as the standard soft drinks. I had hoped to visit again during my time in Venice but unfortunately Coaeta is only open from Fridays to Sundays. No doubt I'll be returning here the next time I'm in Venice!

Osteria Al Squero

I visited here on the eve of a big festival so the entire area was insanely busy and this particular place, a wine bar in Academia, Dorsoduro, not far from where I stayed, was a bit overwhelming. I get the impression from the reviews that it used to be a well-kept secret with the locals but its increased popularity now means that it's always heaving with people. As a young and solo female traveller, I'd made it an unwritten rule to avoid huge groups of drunk people where possible so rather than hanging around the bar, I once again took my plastic plate to a pretty spot and sat in the sunshine to enjoy my meal! Saying that, the bar itself was buzzing and had I been there with friends, I would have loved to stay inside and make the most of the huge selection of drinks. I'm not sure whether they have other food options on offer but the reviews all rave about the 'cicchetti' which is basically an Italian equivalent of tapas and bruschetta. I chose six for less than ten euros and the lady that served me was very patient and helpful suggesting and explaining what each flavour was! I chose a selection with different cheeses, ham, tomato, pesto, peppers and crab.

Suso's Gelatoteca

This was the one and only gelateria that I visited during my four days in Venice and it absolutely lived up to what I expected of real, Italian ice cream. For reference, the shop is about a five minute walk from the Rialto bridge so if you find yourself in that area I suggest you treat yourself to a visit here. There were lots of flavour options including sorbets and they seemed to cater well for vegans and coeliacs too. On my first visit I chose watermelon sorbet (always my favourite) and dark chocolate in a tub for approximately three to four euros. The price of the wafer was included and the tub was edible which was a cute quirk that I absolutely loved! The reviews all rave about it being 'the best gelato' this and the 'one true gelateria' that and although I didn't go anywhere else to make a fair comparison, I can confirm as a self-diagnosed ice cream addict that it was bloody good.

Tips:

• I discovered in Europe that wherever I went, I was likely to find a 'tourist menu' offering a set choice of starter, main course and dessert/drink. Being on a budget I absolutely utilised this. In Venice, there are a stretch of restaurants along the canal leading to Rialto Bridge that I noticed all seemed to have such a menu and I ate at one of them (unfortunately can't remember the name) and had spaghetti in a tomato pomodoro sauce, fried fish and chips and a large glass of wine for ten euros. It was always nice to eat in a restaurant environment knowing that I wasn't breaking the bank to do so.
• If you're visiting Venice with little to spend, you must research in advance before setting off for a meal! Venice has a crazy amount of restaurants but the cheapest places are often the hardest to find and some areas are a lot more expensive than others.
• Don't expect A* service or the luxury of real plates and cutlery. As you can see from the reviews above, I often dined outside and sat on the floor simply because my restaurant choices didn't accommodate people to sit and eat-in. I totally didn't care though because the streets of Venice are too pretty to spend all of your time indoors anyway.